Remember that time we packed up our 1-bedroom apartment in New York City, stowed all your toys away in Ini’s house in Philadelphia, and moved to Russia&Kazakhstan? (It really happened, I swear!) Do you remember being together all the time and not understanding what people were saying to us? Do you remember the long train rides and the chocolate eggs with toys inside and the playgrounds and the borst and the cold, cold snow?I’m writing this little letter to you right in the middle of this time. We moved away from NYC 10months ago and the snow is thick and the air is cold, already 20 below this afternoon. We’re going to be in for a long, sequestered winter. And I’m a little scared. You see, I’m having a hard time adjusting to all of this and trying to be the best mommy I can. I know you’ll need a lot from me this winter and I want to be able to give all of myself to you but sometimes it’s so hard for me. Sometimes I just want to be by myself and think and read and write and maybe take a nap. Sometimes I let you watch TV a little longer than I probably should. Sometimes I forget to have patience with you. I forget to play with you.
I remind myself everyday that this is our precious time together – that we have this time to grow together in a way that is truly unique because we have nobody but each other. It’s like we’re on our own frozen little iceberg – no one else, just us. Sometimes this makes me sad – for me and for you. If I’m sad for me, I’m not my best for you.Thankfully you give me fresh new chances everyday to try again to do better. Thankfully you are finding ways to really enjoy each other and have been playing together in the last several months with remarkable creativity. I admire the two of you and your ability to find pleasure in the little things we have. I want to find that too. I’m glad we still have more time here so that you can continue to teach me these things. I love you both very much. I realize that if you weren’t here with Nathan and I it would be reallyreallyreally crazy, like, crazier ‘than you’ve ever seen before’ (you say this a lot right now DPJ).
I hope you have good memories of this time together – I hope that you remember me being a fun mommy with lots of stories and games and smiles. I hope we can do this again, maybe, where I choose next time.
10 comments:
This is beautiful Heather. I know you are trying your best and I'm sure you are much harder on yourself then you deserve. Nate better send you on a relaxing beach spa vacation after this- you have def earned it! A small suggestion to keep the kids focused and stimulated during the winter, would be to visit a teachers website for ideas to educate them. (or ask Mrs Schack) :) Creative activities that are not only fun but educational. That would take up a few hours of the day and would benifit ALL of you. You could become Mrs Jones.. durning the day and mommy at night! Grade there work- make boards to display there work.. etc. I think it would help you tremendously and them to not be tugging at you for attention all the time. Love you my sister!
I don't know how you do it? Zürich was so dark in the winter, I can only imagine how dark and cold it is there. At least you have internet...a connection to the world!
You may not remember us The kimballs from NYC. Listen I check in on you and your family. I need to know you are all alright. You see, Nathan gave us strength through his calling and by who he was while we were in NYC. How do you repay something so needed and wanted?
Well, I think it's hoping and praying back. We didn't know eachother well then. But you are blazing through this adventure with a smile. Your children glow and from the looks you haven't gone crazy!!
All good things.
There has been times in my life were there wasn't really a light at the end of a tunnel. Much like looking at the long winter ahead. Most my family still lives in Norway and the winters are deafning with quiet and redundancy.
Creating forts and dreamy places out of craft paper and boxes seems to alow light in, in a dark winter. I have this idea when my kids are older:
I thought we could make a map of places we would like to visit home, exotic, etc. Each week we could read about a place, eat there food, draw pictures, decorate the house like the given destination.
I can imagine variety in cuisien has become a desire, how can i send things to you etc, will they ever arrive? Your kids could penpal my family even my neice and nephew that are there age...anything ?
I know you are doing great I just thought I would put it out there. Good luck.
Autumn Kimball
thekimballherd.blogspot.com
I love you Heather. you are an amazing mother. I really mean that. I admire your ability to see places of the world that people don't even think of visiting. You make all things positive and I think that is wonderful.
Your kids know you love them. You can see it in their eyes. You are awesome. Please take care.
I just read this again and am teary and a bit choked up. I feel your love, your hurt, your strength, your faith, your hope and everything that is you in this letter and it makes me so proud to know you and learn from you. I miss you terribly sister! Love you lots! xoxo
Oh my friend,
you have so many that love you. Of course you do, love is all that you are about in this great big big cold big world. I will try not to complain about the cold in my old, horribly hollow cold walls. I'll try. Bundling up in the house is a way of life, though I am afraid that, in your shoes, I might shrivel up and.....maybe be very unhappy. From your childrens letter, it seems that even through your rough times you are still among angels. I am quite sure that you have much unseen help along the way. I know that you will reflect again and again on this time you are alone with your babes, and be so grateful.
I love you sister's advise. she is right about her ideas. they are very good good helps. I often do that sort of thing with my kids in the summer. I'd love your address. maybe I can send you some supplies.
Also, you are a grateful person by nature. I think i have told you about my gratitude journal that I write to Russ. I can't say enough of the miracle that being grateful has made in my life. Even if you don't have a book to write in, I would suggest that you write everyday something about this life experiece you are having, that you are grateful for. Dig deep if you have to. I know you can do it, and I know that it will help.
I love you my friend. I also like Heidis' idea of a vacation when you return home. Maybe San FRancisco! "smile"
can't wait to see you again.
Elizabeth
Heather: This made me tear up. You are such a good mother. Sometimes I feel the same way (but it is not nearly so cold and dark here as there). When my brothers left on their missions (kinda like what you are doing) I would write them an emergency letter of encouragement. So they could feel a touch of home only to be opened when they felt it absolutely necessary. I would try to include things I loved about them. I know if you are reading this there are many words of encouragement, but I just wanted to let you know I really appreciated the times you reached out to me and others. My friends that weren't members of our Church said you were the one that really reached out to them. You were the one who took time whilst feeding your kidlets to talk and discuss different things--like at the Botanical Gardens. You were super complimentary about everything. I loved your encouragement and support. You are a rock. You are being a fabulous mother. We, all your friends, are super proud of you. :D If I were there with you, I would give you a hug.
Hello, Heather. Chellese Bunker here. Oh, how I admire you! My heart sympathizes with you on that lonely iceberg. I was an exchange student in high school and some days I would wake up and not want to open my eyes to confirm that I was still there - far from the comfort of loved ones and familiarity. It was a hard hard time. I think it is great that you are honest with yourself and your kids in recognizing that it is hard (and worthwhile). I wish you all the best.
wow – thank you so much for all the support. how did a girl like me get so lucky with family&friends like you!!
sistersister: both your comments had me crying too. thank you so much for your helpful suggestions. it’s so nice to feel your support – you could be rather upset with me over all this and find a lot to be critical about. thanks for loving me the way you do – you don’t know how much it means to me to have you as a sister and a friend. lets never be separated again!!! I LOVE YOU!
alice: ahhh. . . but zurich is zurich! a lovely city with museums!! but yes, a lot of darkness in the winter and here we sleep usually till 10am (!) and it’s gets dark by 4:30pm. and internet is one of my closest companions, maybe too close. dial-up makes my time online extra long. (we recently found out that the catholic church here has dsl [!] so we’re looking into it soon)
autumn: i had to catch my breath!! wowowwow!! thank you SO MUCH for all those thoughtful words. i’m so pleased to hear that you felt supported in nyc – i know how much we all need it during hard times, even the ones we’ve chosen to experience! of course, i’ve been checking in on you and your 4boys [all at once people!] you are amazing! thanks for all the ideas and the support. it REALLY makes a difference! thankyouthankyou!! are you on facebook?
dearcuzmandee: thanks for your love!! i love you too!! you are so sweet and have such a big heart. you know all about living in other countries and had the perks of being surrounded by TONS of english speakers and lovely picturesque Italian villages! lucky girl! we’ll be in ut in june and would love to get together and picnic&play&laugh again!! luvluvluv!
lizzy: thanks for making me smile – the gratitude journal is something i’m going to think more about. i remember president erying talking about ending the day with such thoughts and recording them – “today i am grateful for. . .” this is certainly something i need to focus more on – i’m letting the hard things really crowd my head. thanks for the reminder. love you friend!
melanie: ohmyheart! thanks for being such a regular reader and commenter on myblog. i appreciate your heartfelt words – sososo nice of you. i always smile when i catch virtual sight of you and think about your wonderfully positive presence. you&wayne are such special, happy people. really blessed. thanks for sharing your story – i love that you served you brothers in that way – it’s so YOU! xoxo!
chellese! i totally connected with that thought – not wanting to open eyes and face another mundane day – i doom myself, of course, with such an attitude! it doesn’t have to be mundane . . . anyway, where were you during that time? i picture you in france . . . i clicked over to your blog a bit ago and saw all those great triathlon pictures. AMAZING! you DID that!! makes me weak in the knees . . . all the best to you too – are you on facebook? :)
A big hug to you and yours! I don't know what more to say, but I wanted you to know I am thinking of you.
And after all of the work to do laundry as explained in your earlier post!?! Don't think I can complain about all the quarters it takes to do laundry here now. Hang in there! NY loves you!
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